Chapter 19: Hope (from the “Complexity of Love” by Rehan Ahmad)

I know I've never said this to you, but you are my life. If you hadn't come into my life, I wouldn't be who I am today. And who I am today took a lot of work. It wasn't easy to be this person I can proudly embrace and feel good about.

When I was 14, I started to doubt myself; I thought the world was always cooler or better than me. For 2 years, I felt lost. Then you came and showed there's a world out there full of people like me and you. You gave me hope. You helped me and got hurt yourself because of my expression.

I was so expressive that day. I thought this expression would turn into something grand, and you'd eventually understand this complex expression. But when you left me, taking you for granted and failing entirely to understand your heart, this expression died down on me. I felt your sadness in your absence. I kept you with me to feel good myself, but you were always getting hurt. When the sadness became too hard to bear, you had to go. There was no other choice. Your sadness started to affect me, which wasn't your fault, and your kindness expressed to you that it's not his fault entirely. Maybe this is what it is.

The faint kindness in you had slowly died down when you saw the result of your absence when I lost the touch of reality. You convinced yourself that despite your best efforts, your presence wasn't helpful to me. I lost my survival ability. You thought it would have been better if we hadn't met. From the first day until now, you thought about protecting me. After 2 years of your absence, I wanted to stand by your side. So, I faced the world to experience life for what it is. I thought if I grew up, maybe our story would find a course.

I think that I am on the right path now. Those 4 years didn't go to waste at all. I want to do the same for you. In my heart, there's warmth for you. This time, perhaps, I'll love you like you always deserved. I'll love myself as you always told me to love. And I'll call my name when I miss you, but I'll feel peace because somewhere you are calling yours.